I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
