Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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