Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I think people are normalizing furries
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
