Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
