complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
