I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
