everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
