my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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