my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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