Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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