It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
