They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
