just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
