I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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