why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
it was like eating out sand paper
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
