bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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