i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
