Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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