There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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