I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
