last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
