Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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