i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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