im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
