I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
