i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
