masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm sobbing to NWA
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
