mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
