he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
