im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
