all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
