Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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