no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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