I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
that's an acceptable place to lick
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
