I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
someone threw a dead crab at me
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
