remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
