based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
