i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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