I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
