I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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