thus making me awesome and them whores
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
