How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I didn't notice because vodka
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
