I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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