just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
