the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
