are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
