Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
