I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
