I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
