i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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