I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
