So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
