Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
