Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
